{a twin mommy}


ashley solberg

Sorry to disappoint gals, but this isn’t a how-to on being a twin Mommy{let’s face it, that can’t possibly exist!} or what it is like to change around 5,000 diapers a year. This is about a statement. “I’m a twin Mommy.” The aforementioned title was something I never thought I’d be able to say. It was something so close to becoming real for me with a result that ended in a thousand shattered pieces. Thankfully, that is not where my story ends.

Let me start off by saying, achieving pregnancy was not easy for me. It was waiting, it was having blood drawn and ultrasounds over and over, it was disappointment. That aspect is something to be shared another day, but let me just say we may have shed a few tears when just before Christmas in 2010, it happened! That extra line on the stick that I sometimes had looked so closely for just waiting for a glimmer of hope to appear, did! Oh man, wow, is this real? We had prayed for so long, inhale, exhale–ok I got this–I was made for this.

After my labs where monitored for a few weeks, it was time for the big ultrasound. Not one, but TWO little heartbeats pitter pattering away. It was THE most beautiful thing in existence. I bawled like a big ole baby because I was just so very thankful to see life growing after I wondered if I was ever going to be given that gift.

My husband and I have been an item for half of our lifetimes now and ever since I can remember, we said how wonderful it would be to have twins. When were were dating, there were a few pairs of twins at the church that were toddlers and I guess we just saw how much fun they had together and had a more the merrier thought!

So here comes the usual fun pregnancy things that I strangely welcomed. It was comforting knowing my body was working after feeling broken for so long. Yes, the gagging on tooth paste, the nausea, not being able to tolerate smells–my husband still will not let it go that I tossed his very pungent BBQ ribs one evening–all of it. With it being a twin pregnancy, they watched me closely, I practically lived at my OB and had round the clock ultrasounds. Then there was that one, that one that changed everything.

Baby A—it’s a girl! Baby B—it’s a girl! We were thrilled and already picking out names while she was doing all the measurements and checking every little inch. Then she saw it, something that made the smile on her face turn to concern. She left the room to get the high risk doctor to take a look. We didn’t get a lot of answers that day, but were told Baby B had a swollen foot. We were given a few options as to the cause, but were reassured as every other checkmark was perfect. She was whole. She was beautiful. She was perfect.

Over the course of the next two weeks, nothing changed, we just had to wait and watch. Each scan, the same result. All the while enjoying each sweet kick from both of my girls and mustering up the strength to believe it would be ok. The decision was made to send the scans over to a fetal surgeon and immediately he confirmed it was an amniotic band that had broken away from the very bubble that was supposed to keep her safe. It had wrapped around her ankle and they were hopeful, so hopeful they booked an OR and had us on the board already for two days later to allow for travel time. As a nurse that has only worked in high acuity areas, I kept calm, I knew how to keep calm in the face of fear. I wanted to cry, but I wanted to fight for her. I connected all the dots and said I will do whatever I need to do to save her.

But I couldn’t. I had no control over the course of events unraveling without even knowing. We made it to our destination and the plan was to check both babies in more detail and ensure positions were favorable for operating. She started with Baby A and then all of a sudden, all done. We were taken to another waiting room and she said the surgeon would be with us shortly. What seemed like an eternity later, back on the table, he was there completing the scan. He started with an apology and informed us Baby B was no longer with us. Wait–no, how? The life I carried for five months, the life I wanted and dreamed of, the heart I saw beating on countless scans before, lifeless. It goes without saying, that every fiber of me hurt. How does everything look favorable and then the very next day, her entry to Heaven was gained? The doctor continued the scan to help gain understanding of what happened, but I wasn’t there, I had already checked out, frozen, hurt, confused. My sweet little baby, so close to surgery, so close to hope. The same band that had caught ahold of her ankle, proceeded to get entangled with her umbilical cord and cause her demise. We left there with words that didn’t bring any comfort as naturally my body was going to be confused and our other baby was in danger.

It was all a blur after that, we drove the longest four hour car ride home, mostly in silence, alternating with eyes full of tears. Kind of like the ones filling my eyes now as it still stings to relive. I remember us stopping for dinner, I didn’t want to eat, but I had to, another sweet baby girl still depended on me. I wanted to crawl into a ball and just forget about the world, but I couldn’t.

We had picked first names beforehand, Emmy & Ella. Now we finally knew middle names–Emmy Faith & Ella Joy. Faith that Emmy’s life had a purpose that we would see one day through it all and we spoke over Ella that she would bring joy to us through the pain as she continued to be with us.

I had this super sweet friend that was a twin mommy and she gave me the most beautiful, heartfelt card. Amidst her writing, she said, “you will always be a twin mommy.” I wanted to feel that way but I didn’t, I wanted BOTH my girls–there. It wasn’t the same, I wanted to feel differently, but I couldn’t.

I am going to fast forward through the unbearable emotions you can imagine existed. Not because I don’t want to talk about them, but I made it through that, only by the peace that God can give. There is so much to that part that I can go on and on about, how we could see Him in every detail, but for right now I want to talk about how good God is. How he restores that which is broken. How he amazes. How he will always be the light in dark places.

I went on to carry our Ella Joy to term and boy, has she filled our lives with that exact joy we hoped for. I held her tight, so tight that had she been able to speak she certainly would have given me the brush off that teenage kids give when you will want to hug and kiss on them. Don’t get me wrong, the struggle was(is) way real, a sweet little girl will always be missing from every milestone and a lifetime of memories, but for now, we will cling to our hope in eternity, no more tears, no more sorrow, only pure happiness exist there.

We savored every moment with her and when she was 18 months old, we had that feeling like we were ready for another. This time it happened quick. Still lots of pokes and tests and the sort, but we knew what worked this go around. Several weeks later when time for the scan—

Twins. ❤️

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  • Danielle Jadus
    May 13, 2016 at 7:37 AM

    Goosebumps…you are an incredible mommy…to TWO sets of twins. Your faith in God emanates from you and I wholly admire that! Love you, Mama!

    • Shannon Rogers
      May 13, 2016 at 8:25 AM

      Touches my heart♡ I am a twin mommy and I can’t imagine what hurt you went through. Your faith in God is a true testimony to us all!

      • Ashley
        May 13, 2016 at 10:31 AM

        Thank you Shannon. You know the verse, “in my weakness, he is strong?” Majorly the case here ❤️

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:31 AM

      Love right back you fellow twin mama! ??

  • Yvie
    May 13, 2016 at 8:26 AM


    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:37 AM

      Thank you Yvie ☺️

  • Melissa Graves
    May 13, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    So glad that I have pictures of us pregnant with all three of them together! Emmy is forever in all of our hearts and whenever we have an angel pass at work, my first thought is that Emmy is there to play and welcome them to the kingdom.

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 8:33 AM

      Oh Melissa, major tears. It would only be my prayer that she is able to do that. If she is anything like me, that is what I would want her to be. Love you❤️

  • Kimberly
    May 13, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    Thank you for the warning u did indeed cry. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life and your journey. God always has a plan and how much I admire your strength. Hugs to you and those 3 babies of yours that I absolutely adore.

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:38 AM

      Hard not to cry, not just because of the pain, but His goodness. ❤️

  • Dena
    May 13, 2016 at 8:48 AM

    Ashley, you are so amazing and strong! Thank you for being such a role model, and keeping faith in any type of situation. You are a twin mommy and an inspirational mommy! ❤️

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:28 AM

      Thank you Dena ❤️❤️❤️

  • Susan
    May 13, 2016 at 8:59 AM

    I remember seeing your posts throughout this time and while I didn’t know the full details, I couldn’t (and still can’t) imagine the amount of strength, faith and perseverance you had to have and still have to continue to have. You are certainly a wonderful mother an perfect example of someone to look up to (as I always have and do). ❤️

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:28 AM

      Susan, what beautiful words. Thank you ☺️?

  • Tiara
    May 13, 2016 at 9:27 AM

    Ashley, this is beautiful!! You are an amazing woman and mommy. I often admire your patience and grace watching you interact with children. God knew you were definitely twin mommy material.♡ Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:27 AM

      Thank you Tiara, appreciate your kind words ❤️

  • Dally
    May 13, 2016 at 9:57 AM

    Amazing 💕 I know the courage it takes to share (and relive) the pain of pregnancy loss. He is faithful and to speak of the journey is to testify of His goodness, mercy and deep eternal love. Sharing your story goes beyond sharing where you’ve been it’s about sharing what He’s brought you through and how we can overcome anything with Him. You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you 😘 #sheisbrave

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 10:26 AM

      Yes Dally, it still hurts sometimes, but God is so very much bigger than this. I am thankful for His goodness.

  • Melanie G
    May 13, 2016 at 10:18 AM

    Such beauty. It’s so humbling when we can look back and see the undeniable hand of God in each episode of heartache and adversity. If He did it before…He will always do it again. I love this story. Although there are hurts…His hand heals. Love you so much. Can’t wait to hug your neck❤️

    • Ashleu
      May 13, 2016 at 10:24 AM

      Thank you Melanie. Couldn’t have made it through without Him, my wonderful hubby and our support system. We are surely blessed, through it all ☺️

  • Ivy Cabot
    May 13, 2016 at 1:07 PM

    Thank you for sharing this painful experience and God’s faithfulness through it all. I cried the entire post 🙁 You are an incredible mommy! Thank you for the example you set for all of us women.

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 1:23 PM

      Love to you my friend. I don’t believe that God bad causes things, but truly believe he can turn around every situation for good, even if we don’t see it just yet ❤️

  • stephanie chu
    May 13, 2016 at 2:12 PM

    Thank you for sharing an amazing testimony of God’s remarkable healing power. Your strength is so inspiring! I pray He uses your story to touch a mom who is leaning on Him for the same comfort and peace.

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 3:18 PM

      Thank you Steph! Me as well ❤️

  • Shelly
    May 13, 2016 at 3:01 PM

    Sorry for your loss but a very amazing story. Im a twin mommy to girls. Thanks for sharing your strength and testimony.

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 3:18 PM

      Thank you Shelly. So many more details that was evidence God was in it all ❤️

  • BeBe LeViner
    May 13, 2016 at 4:12 PM

    Sweet Ashley thank you for continuing to remind us how good God is. Your story and sweet babies are forever etched in my mind. I think God placed you in my life during the right time. Keep up the good work my dear friend

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 4:17 PM

      Thank you Bebe. Was so thankful to have people like you as well during it all ❤️

  • Ria Williams
    May 13, 2016 at 4:37 PM

    I love you Ash! ❤ The last time Nat and I were there for a visit I told your Mom that I think of Emmy often and just overwhelming emotions came over me! It was such a sad time. ..but you are so right, God is good and sadness is not the end of the story. . There is eternity to look forward to…can you imagine!?!? Our Father is amazing and awesome and precious! 💕 I am so thankful for His blessings that I in no way deserve! You are such a great Mommy and Jeremiah such a great Daddy! Love, prayers and peace to all of you! 💜

    • Ashley
      May 13, 2016 at 4:41 PM

      Love you oh so much Aunt Ria ❤️ This is such a small glimpse of what we have in store for us one day. So many waiting with open arms for long awaited embraces ☺️